I started to attend a class today entitled ICU. It's a place where people who have been broken by the church can get together and just heal, share life, and love one another. It brought up a lot of repressed memories and heartache. I wanted to bring back the blog with a very raw and personal entry I wrote on 7/28/08. This date is important because it was the day after my father was fired from our church. This was actually written at 5:17 am... so disregard the unease and randomness to the entry... I just thought i'd share... raw, real heartache... and I hope that it helps those who are hurting.
7/28/08
Have you ever watched your life fall apart in front of your own eyes? My heart is broken far beyond any compare. I know that time will be the only thing to heal my soul. I lie here knowing that tomorrow will be no better than today. My family will be broken. And my heart may not be able to take the pain. I have no emotion except broken. My family is in shambles, I’ve lost one of my closest friends, and I see no good choice within the past four weeks. I reach for God’s hand, and I know it’s there. I know that He has to have something for me. Something important something life changing, something more. But, what? I’m 21 years old and I have some of the wisdom that not even the eldest of people posses. My heart is passionate. I need Gods peace. I need Him. For so many years I have blinded myself. Diverging from my true purpose, I have fallen short. My God holds me accountable, and to Him I give my shattered soul. Mend me, oh Lord. Heal my family’s hurt. Take away my sorrow. Take away the pain of the church. They do not know what they do. They do not see the destruction that lies around the corner, they no not. I feel the pain of everyone suffering, I feel the wait of their souls, and it is not my burden to carry. What will I do with my gifts? Will I waste away under the pressure of this world? Will I be greeted by a greater future? Why am I so quick to make such stupid choices? When will I take my stand for you? I see day breaking outside my window. It’s poured all night long, my tears flowed from the sky like a great fountain. We’re they mine? Or Yours? I don’t want to give up. I want to fight the good fight, Run the Race, and finish. Let your word guide me and my family through our circumstances, for only you can show me the way. Let this be my stand. I will forever be yours, no one will go before, as long as I shall live. I am your daughter, hold me close, and never let me go.
Raw, real experience.
About Me
- Goldenchild
- welcome to my blog. a 21-year-old female facing the trials and tribulations of a ever changing society. a society full of masks, tattered fabrics and heartache. a society that is slowly putting God on the backburner. a society that cries to be different, to be noticed, to matter. a society that WE impact everyday. we impact to make a difference. WE are the revolution. I can make a change.
BOOKS I'M READING
1 comment:
Oh, Kayla! Still so passionate...I never knew you wrote that. I know the last few months have been horrible, but each day gets somewhat easier. I'm so glad you have the opportunity to spend time in community talking this out, it will help. You are dear and sweet and passionate and definitely an old soul. Grandma used to say that about you when you were just tiny. Keep blogging, it'll speak to someone enduring the same pain. We need to be transparent in life...allowing people to see that we are broken and sinful and don't have all the answers. In your dad's situation,unfortunately you and your brother and sister were innocent of doing anything to deserve the treatment you've received. That has broken my heart..the friends you've lost, the shunning, the being made to feel unworthy. The people that did this to you, they are unworthy and "not good enough". Some leadership will hold itself up as the ultimate "power" in the church, I've seen it before...that's not love. They will abuse the power and they will abuse people. They allow the power to corrupt them. Just like the staff at Meadow Heights did while inflicting pain on us and many other people. They have a tragic and sad history of wounded people. A list of names that I hope burns into the very heart of those responsible.
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