I started to attend a class today entitled ICU. It's a place where people who have been broken by the church can get together and just heal, share life, and love one another. It brought up a lot of repressed memories and heartache. I wanted to bring back the blog with a very raw and personal entry I wrote on 7/28/08. This date is important because it was the day after my father was fired from our church. This was actually written at 5:17 am... so disregard the unease and randomness to the entry... I just thought i'd share... raw, real heartache... and I hope that it helps those who are hurting.
7/28/08
Have you ever watched your life fall apart in front of your own eyes? My heart is broken far beyond any compare. I know that time will be the only thing to heal my soul. I lie here knowing that tomorrow will be no better than today. My family will be broken. And my heart may not be able to take the pain. I have no emotion except broken. My family is in shambles, I’ve lost one of my closest friends, and I see no good choice within the past four weeks. I reach for God’s hand, and I know it’s there. I know that He has to have something for me. Something important something life changing, something more. But, what? I’m 21 years old and I have some of the wisdom that not even the eldest of people posses. My heart is passionate. I need Gods peace. I need Him. For so many years I have blinded myself. Diverging from my true purpose, I have fallen short. My God holds me accountable, and to Him I give my shattered soul. Mend me, oh Lord. Heal my family’s hurt. Take away my sorrow. Take away the pain of the church. They do not know what they do. They do not see the destruction that lies around the corner, they no not. I feel the pain of everyone suffering, I feel the wait of their souls, and it is not my burden to carry. What will I do with my gifts? Will I waste away under the pressure of this world? Will I be greeted by a greater future? Why am I so quick to make such stupid choices? When will I take my stand for you? I see day breaking outside my window. It’s poured all night long, my tears flowed from the sky like a great fountain. We’re they mine? Or Yours? I don’t want to give up. I want to fight the good fight, Run the Race, and finish. Let your word guide me and my family through our circumstances, for only you can show me the way. Let this be my stand. I will forever be yours, no one will go before, as long as I shall live. I am your daughter, hold me close, and never let me go.
Raw, real experience.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Celeb-Look-A-Like
So... one of my guy friends told me today that I look like Katie Holmes...
What do you think? Ever been accused of having a celeb twin?
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Series? Seriously, I said series?
So. I'm absolutely awful on the follow through. (thank you Matt Westermayer).
Let me clarify. In my last blog post... I stated "I'm going to do a series of blogs..." which actually meant... I'm going to write one blog... and then by the time I get around to writing another one i'm going to be caught up in a different issue, and blog about that.
Sorry about the confusion...
ANYWAYS. I've been thinking a lot about "Christians" or this idea that we call "Christianity". Somewhere in this thought process I realized when I hear the word "Christian" I imagine a group of people that have met these certain "un-written requirements", not someone who is believes in God. Here are some of the examples I thought of when brainstorming the word "Christian"...
1. Someone who without hesitation can complete the phrase, "and all God's people said...."
2. Someone who no longer talks about culture... but now refers to "the culture".
3. Someone who takes these perfect reflected images of God, known as their family, and compresses them into a few 3x3 inch pieces of cheap plastic cut into fish shapes and slaps them on the back end of their mini-van.
4. Someone who can translate any two of the following acronyms... NLT, KJV, WWJD, or NIV.
5. Someone who has logged more hours in a church building than they have spent:
A. actually reading their bible OR B. investing time into cultivating their relationships with people
6. Someone who can take offense to the last five points and/or have done/or could answer any of the last five points.
SO you ask where I'm going with this... I hate that a word that is supposed to DESCRIBE who I am... now DEFINES who I am. I hate having to answer the question... "are you a Christian?" with yes... I believe in God... but i'm not like those religions you hear about. Since when did the term "Christian" turn into a definition of someone who idolizes man-made worship practices, and not someone who just simply... loves God. After my past few sentences... I feel bad even capitalizing the word "christian", as if I can sum up my relationship with God into two syllables.
What are some words/phrases you think of when you hear the word "Christian"? And SIDE-NOTE... this isn't about bashing... because I had to answer yes to more of those points than I wanted to. I just want to know when did I miss the big memo that said "Christians are now defined by WHAT they do, not WHO they do it for."
I'm done being a stereotype.
Let me clarify. In my last blog post... I stated "I'm going to do a series of blogs..." which actually meant... I'm going to write one blog... and then by the time I get around to writing another one i'm going to be caught up in a different issue, and blog about that.
Sorry about the confusion...
ANYWAYS. I've been thinking a lot about "Christians" or this idea that we call "Christianity". Somewhere in this thought process I realized when I hear the word "Christian" I imagine a group of people that have met these certain "un-written requirements", not someone who is believes in God. Here are some of the examples I thought of when brainstorming the word "Christian"...
1. Someone who without hesitation can complete the phrase, "and all God's people said...."
2. Someone who no longer talks about culture... but now refers to "the culture".
3. Someone who takes these perfect reflected images of God, known as their family, and compresses them into a few 3x3 inch pieces of cheap plastic cut into fish shapes and slaps them on the back end of their mini-van.
4. Someone who can translate any two of the following acronyms... NLT, KJV, WWJD, or NIV.
5. Someone who has logged more hours in a church building than they have spent:
A. actually reading their bible OR B. investing time into cultivating their relationships with people
6. Someone who can take offense to the last five points and/or have done/or could answer any of the last five points.
SO you ask where I'm going with this... I hate that a word that is supposed to DESCRIBE who I am... now DEFINES who I am. I hate having to answer the question... "are you a Christian?" with yes... I believe in God... but i'm not like those religions you hear about. Since when did the term "Christian" turn into a definition of someone who idolizes man-made worship practices, and not someone who just simply... loves God. After my past few sentences... I feel bad even capitalizing the word "christian", as if I can sum up my relationship with God into two syllables.
What are some words/phrases you think of when you hear the word "Christian"? And SIDE-NOTE... this isn't about bashing... because I had to answer yes to more of those points than I wanted to. I just want to know when did I miss the big memo that said "Christians are now defined by WHAT they do, not WHO they do it for."
I'm done being a stereotype.
Monday, November 17, 2008
World Changers
Once upon a time there was a generation who changed the face of Christianity.
I've decided to do a set of blog posts about the one thing I feel God has given me a gift with... and that's evangelism. Although when I just typed that word a small shudder went down my back, because when I hear the word evangelism... I, like most people, imagine this right-winged, finger-pointing, being who believes that our world is ONLY full of sin and we must repent now to see the glory of heaven.
I've decided to do a set of blog posts about the one thing I feel God has given me a gift with... and that's evangelism. Although when I just typed that word a small shudder went down my back, because when I hear the word evangelism... I, like most people, imagine this right-winged, finger-pointing, being who believes that our world is ONLY full of sin and we must repent now to see the glory of heaven.
BUT i'm about to turn the tables.
Before I can get into the heart that I have for lost people, I have to address my audience. This first blog post will hopefully be an awakening to your potential. Most Christians I know have a hard time swallowing the idea of stepping out of the "comfort zone" and being... well... like Jesus.
The way Jesus approached the idea of 'loving people' would be equivalent to your entire church body watching you walk into a 'novelty' store. (aka. adult gift store). I can feel the humiliation and condemnation from people without actually experiencing it. But that's what Jesus did. Jesus walked straight into that adult store and proclaimed love. You can see this in action when Jesus walks straight through Samaria, the place known for its pagan and promiscuous culture.
So before I can continue my blogs on evangelism... we've got to walk into Samaria. Or at least take a step toward that area. We have to swallow our pride, pick up our Christian stereotypes and not be afraid to launch ourselves into something bigger.
The way Jesus approached the idea of 'loving people' would be equivalent to your entire church body watching you walk into a 'novelty' store. (aka. adult gift store). I can feel the humiliation and condemnation from people without actually experiencing it. But that's what Jesus did. Jesus walked straight into that adult store and proclaimed love. You can see this in action when Jesus walks straight through Samaria, the place known for its pagan and promiscuous culture.
We are living in a pagan and promiscuous culture NOW... but where are our 'Christians' walking?
So before I can continue my blogs on evangelism... we've got to walk into Samaria. Or at least take a step toward that area. We have to swallow our pride, pick up our Christian stereotypes and not be afraid to launch ourselves into something bigger.
The first jump is always the hardest.
So I leave you with this.
To church leaders and Christians who have enough missional courage to do whatever it takes to escape the Christian subculture and be citizens of the kingdom rather than citizens of the bubble.[JOHN 17:15].
*scripture quote from "They like Jesus but not the Church" by Dan Kimball.
To church leaders and Christians who have enough missional courage to do whatever it takes to escape the Christian subculture and be citizens of the kingdom rather than citizens of the bubble.[JOHN 17:15].
*scripture quote from "They like Jesus but not the Church" by Dan Kimball.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Switching It Up...
So I know I was going to talk about cowardism... but i'm being led in a different direction!
Today I watched a movie known as "The Lottery" (and no, i'm not talking about the two minute lotto picks at the end of the News). In the movie, the whole town believes in this "lotto" idea. Every year they hold a town "lotto" and who ever is chosen... is stoned to death... which in turn God "blesses" their sacrifice with a thriving community. There's a lot of minor plotting, but you get the main idea. So all-in-all, although the movie is somewhat repugnant, the underlying theme is about tradition. It was originally a book, the author wanted to express how outlandish our traditions in society can get... AND ITS TRUE!
Okay so i'm going to segue-way for a second... but I promise I will return for the relevance of the movie...
So as I was driving to St. Louis this afternoon, I was preparing for my "video interview" for a series we're going through about taking steps toward God. So I was practicing my "story", you know the one where you talk about the before's and after's of being a Christ follower, and the strangest thought came over me. What if they ask me my favorite bible verse? And you're thinking... why would they ask her about her favorite bible verse when she's shooting a video about her "story"? That's just how my brain works. So I was going through my head and thinking... I don't really know a whole bunch of bible verses... or I do... and I have NO idea where in the bible they came from! So I started panicking... trying to think of some clever bible verse that will make it seem like i've actually been a Christian for the past 10 years...
At that point I believe is when God was looking at me slowly shaking His head in silent laughter... as if He hasn't taught me anything. It's not the words or the Bible verses that make me a Christian. Then I started having an argument in my head about the importance of Bible verses in today's culture. Here's what I've learned:
-One. You don't have to know the Bible cover-to-cover to be a Christian.
-Two. When you're talking about God with a non-believer it's probably best to leave the thou
shalt's and thou shalt-not's at home.
-Three. It's good to be armed with the word of God, but you can lead someone to Christ without
even pulling out a Bible.
Here's where the tradition comes in. Sometimes we get caught up in this "religion thing", and it can hinder God's work just as much as it can help it. Yes, don't get me wrong... it is GREAT to memorize bible verses... it can be your sword in battle especially when someone is trying to test your faith. But there's another point i'm trying to make. I've seen it plenty of times, new Christian questioning their roll or their purpose in life seeks a new Christian and is... "scripturized." Maybe they're questioning their sexuality, well you can either whip out the Old and New Testament and read to them why its a HUGE sin and what a BIG mistake... or you can listen, share stories, love on them. Then if they're still interested share a passage... or recommend a book. The only reason I choose this example is because I've seen it happen. Seeker searching for love, love in action, not a love from a book written by some guys that they don't even know or grasp yet. They need love now in a way that the action SHOWS Gods love.
So as I pondered the entire "mind argument" thing I was working on I realized that I don't have to have a favorite verse or chapter anything. If I have one great... but since I didn't it's fine. I don't have to know the Bible word-for-word to be a Christian.... and God still loves us anyways.
So I ask... Are you getting caught up in all these words that your actions no longer show Gods love?
Today I watched a movie known as "The Lottery" (and no, i'm not talking about the two minute lotto picks at the end of the News). In the movie, the whole town believes in this "lotto" idea. Every year they hold a town "lotto" and who ever is chosen... is stoned to death... which in turn God "blesses" their sacrifice with a thriving community. There's a lot of minor plotting, but you get the main idea. So all-in-all, although the movie is somewhat repugnant, the underlying theme is about tradition. It was originally a book, the author wanted to express how outlandish our traditions in society can get... AND ITS TRUE!
Okay so i'm going to segue-way for a second... but I promise I will return for the relevance of the movie...
So as I was driving to St. Louis this afternoon, I was preparing for my "video interview" for a series we're going through about taking steps toward God. So I was practicing my "story", you know the one where you talk about the before's and after's of being a Christ follower, and the strangest thought came over me. What if they ask me my favorite bible verse? And you're thinking... why would they ask her about her favorite bible verse when she's shooting a video about her "story"? That's just how my brain works. So I was going through my head and thinking... I don't really know a whole bunch of bible verses... or I do... and I have NO idea where in the bible they came from! So I started panicking... trying to think of some clever bible verse that will make it seem like i've actually been a Christian for the past 10 years...
At that point I believe is when God was looking at me slowly shaking His head in silent laughter... as if He hasn't taught me anything. It's not the words or the Bible verses that make me a Christian. Then I started having an argument in my head about the importance of Bible verses in today's culture. Here's what I've learned:
-One. You don't have to know the Bible cover-to-cover to be a Christian.
-Two. When you're talking about God with a non-believer it's probably best to leave the thou
shalt's and thou shalt-not's at home.
-Three. It's good to be armed with the word of God, but you can lead someone to Christ without
even pulling out a Bible.
Here's where the tradition comes in. Sometimes we get caught up in this "religion thing", and it can hinder God's work just as much as it can help it. Yes, don't get me wrong... it is GREAT to memorize bible verses... it can be your sword in battle especially when someone is trying to test your faith. But there's another point i'm trying to make. I've seen it plenty of times, new Christian questioning their roll or their purpose in life seeks a new Christian and is... "scripturized." Maybe they're questioning their sexuality, well you can either whip out the Old and New Testament and read to them why its a HUGE sin and what a BIG mistake... or you can listen, share stories, love on them. Then if they're still interested share a passage... or recommend a book. The only reason I choose this example is because I've seen it happen. Seeker searching for love, love in action, not a love from a book written by some guys that they don't even know or grasp yet. They need love now in a way that the action SHOWS Gods love.
So as I pondered the entire "mind argument" thing I was working on I realized that I don't have to have a favorite verse or chapter anything. If I have one great... but since I didn't it's fine. I don't have to know the Bible word-for-word to be a Christian.... and God still loves us anyways.
So I ask... Are you getting caught up in all these words that your actions no longer show Gods love?
Monday, September 29, 2008
leaders.
I'd like to start with two truths.
Leader: [lee-der]
1. a person or thing that leads
2. one who gives guidance and direction.
3. one who inspires.
Boss: [baws,bos]
1. a person who employs or superintends workers; manager.
2. a person who makes decisions, exercises authority, or DOMINATES.
3. to be master of or over, manage, direct or control.
Its sometimes hard to distinguish between the words leader and boss. Let me Clarify.
On one hand a "leader" can guide a "follower" into a Godly direction, while a "boss" can make the "follower" choose that direction without the "followers" input. In another hand a "boss" can make things happen then and now, while a "leader" can portray his/her direction in an enlightening manner. Or even a "boss" can decide to fire a person without reason, while a "leader" can choose to fire a person and be honest and firm.
Here's the cliff-notes version: A leader molds situations and gives his followers a choice and direction, while a boss controls the situation by exercising authority.
So here's my question for you... when you look back at your life experiences... or when God has placed you in a role of governing... did you impact your "followers"? You may not be able to think of a time where you were put in a big leadership role, but it's not always about the "big things" that make a difference. Maybe someone's idea of a leader is only expressed in the movement of large audiences, but yet a true leader could make an impact for only one. It's not about quantity, for if you're moving to impact one person for God, God can move and impact a thousand.
Leader: [lee-der]
1. a person or thing that leads
2. one who gives guidance and direction.
3. one who inspires.
Boss: [baws,bos]
1. a person who employs or superintends workers; manager.
2. a person who makes decisions, exercises authority, or DOMINATES.
3. to be master of or over, manage, direct or control.
Its sometimes hard to distinguish between the words leader and boss. Let me Clarify.
On one hand a "leader" can guide a "follower" into a Godly direction, while a "boss" can make the "follower" choose that direction without the "followers" input. In another hand a "boss" can make things happen then and now, while a "leader" can portray his/her direction in an enlightening manner. Or even a "boss" can decide to fire a person without reason, while a "leader" can choose to fire a person and be honest and firm.
Here's the cliff-notes version: A leader molds situations and gives his followers a choice and direction, while a boss controls the situation by exercising authority.
So here's my question for you... when you look back at your life experiences... or when God has placed you in a role of governing... did you impact your "followers"? You may not be able to think of a time where you were put in a big leadership role, but it's not always about the "big things" that make a difference. Maybe someone's idea of a leader is only expressed in the movement of large audiences, but yet a true leader could make an impact for only one. It's not about quantity, for if you're moving to impact one person for God, God can move and impact a thousand.
************************
When I was around 16 or 17 I was dumped. Normal, I know. It was the routine Godly check-up that shouted I was headed in the wrong direction too quickly (which I realize now... not so much at the time). I was hurt, sad, upset, ect... It was a normal reaction to a normal life process. Before this "life process" I was a happy-go-lucky newbie Christian, impacting my community and trying to make a difference. My family wasn't involved in church, but that didn't stop me... I was on fire. P.B. (or post breakup) I was broken, confused, I didn't understand how God would allow people to "betray me" and dismiss our so-called "friendships". You see I was so caught up in my "relationship" that I didn't allow myself to build true bridges and foundations. So when God shook what I though was a firm foundation, I landed in the middle of sand. I was left in the middle of a "Christian community" with nothing but my faith in God and my faith in myself. I actually understood what it meant to be a "leper". But I persisted, I knew that Gods plan was greater than what these "Christians" thought of me, or even my own thoughts of blaming God. I knew I was there for a reason, and even though I would sit and cry to myself every Sunday, I knew deep down, there was something more... and there was. God used my determined nature and my heart to become a true leader. Within those few months of what I deemed torture, God allowed my heart to be a proclamation to my greatest accomplishment. I impacted an entire generation, I impacted a way of life, I changed the course of history... I impacted my families lives forever. With my small accomplishment God transformed hundreds of people, the people my father impacted, the people my mother impacted, the people my friends impacted. I made a difference.
That is the reason behind this blog, because I understand leadership. By no means have I sacrificed anything of great value, but I understand why i'm a leader. I know that God has given me a true sense of leadership and heart for people. I, by NO MEANS, am perfect. GOODNESS I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. But I'm also not just some stupid, young girl that posts on a blog to stir a pot. I post with purpose, I have meaning, and no one can sway my thinking.
I am a child of God. I am a Leader for Christ. I am not perfect. I impact to make a difference. I impact to make a change.
So next time you hear the word "leader" or "leadership", make sure you listen. Because they might actually be substituting a nicer name for "boss".
*By no means does the above stated come from the views of a church, the thoughts are mine alone.
**Stay tuned for my next blog when I discuss my thoughts on cowards.
That is the reason behind this blog, because I understand leadership. By no means have I sacrificed anything of great value, but I understand why i'm a leader. I know that God has given me a true sense of leadership and heart for people. I, by NO MEANS, am perfect. GOODNESS I am FAR FAR FAR from perfect. But I'm also not just some stupid, young girl that posts on a blog to stir a pot. I post with purpose, I have meaning, and no one can sway my thinking.
I am a child of God. I am a Leader for Christ. I am not perfect. I impact to make a difference. I impact to make a change.
So next time you hear the word "leader" or "leadership", make sure you listen. Because they might actually be substituting a nicer name for "boss".
*By no means does the above stated come from the views of a church, the thoughts are mine alone.
**Stay tuned for my next blog when I discuss my thoughts on cowards.
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